My “Why”
Trigger warning
“Trauma fundamentally means a disconnect from self. Why do we get disconnected? Because it’s too painful to be ourselves.” - Dr. Gabor Maté
My trauma was the result of being drugged 9 years ago; that night my body was taken from me. The years that followed were occupied with one bad therapist which led to cold calling the offender, letting my case go cold, forgetting, numbing, and occupying the space that once served as a connection.
2 years ago I went to therapy primarily to get Indi registered as an ESA and “use up” the therapy sessions that would be lost at the termination of my job. I had no intention to uncover this story. A few sessions in this therapist invited me to create a safe space for myself. To light a candle, play calming music, and recount that day. To write my story and remember what I could.
I don’t plan to recount the particulars with anyone other than my chosen listeners but it was gut wrenching. Shortly after, I left to walk the PCT. Blisters swelled because I didn’t listen. Weight was lost because I didn’t listen. Every step felt more raw and real, walking closer to bridging the disconnect I had with myself. In order to stay out there, I had to listen.
The day I decided to get off trail still brings me to tears. It was a beautiful day with a short but hairy river crossing that wasn’t even on the PCT. It was as though it was a rite of passage. The rush of the water beneath felt as though it was dissolving all of the blockages. After we crossed, we sat and cried. We knew our hike was over. For me, I felt I had found what I needed and that was the ability to reunite with my body. I needed to remember the language of my gut. To connect them and follow their guidance.
Today as I sat with my tea ceremony by the water, I saw the water’s reflection on the tree as though the limbs were veins and the rippling light was blood flowing down to the tree’s roots. The dam broke and I was consumed with gratitude.
I share my story because I truly believe there is intense healing in the outdoors. The trauma informed work of forest therapy is my way to bring a safe space to others. Not everyone has months to devote to a long distance trail. Most people have a couple hours. Whatever trauma, whatever numbing techniques. Out there we leave behind distractions and frivolities, we remember ourselves. That is the real world.
